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Old November 11th, 2010, 05:40 AM   #1
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Default Another Request for Advice

If you fell in love with someone, and they seemed to return your feelings the past few months but you couldn't be with that person because of distance and other reasons yet hoped that maybe something could happen in a few years, what would you do? Would distancing yourself and moving on be preferable to the wait? What if you really bonded with this person? After more than a year, it's ironic that I should develop feelings for someone considering I can't exactly be with that person. The distance is killer. I think she's realized what I have about the distance and all that, because I only hear from her sparingly. It's extra hard because I think about her quite often... So what's a man to do?
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Old November 11th, 2010, 05:50 AM   #2
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

I used to be in a LONG LONG distance relationship (I'm talking other side of the world) with a grand plan (Wait it out for a year until I graduate, move to where she is and settle down with her), but things did not work out too well (personality problems).

If you got the money, you could always visit there or pay for her to fly on over where you live every couple months or so. The days leading up to that is mostly spent on skype or emailing or what not. Personally, if I had to wait a couple of YEARS then I might ended the relationship early.

Yeah, I miss her. She had a slamming body, the sex was good, a lot of things in common with me and I really thought I would never meet someone better. Well as time passed, I miss her now and then, but I'm really glad that I ended the relationship (and I have an optimistic future about meeting a new person!)

It's still up to you though.
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Old November 11th, 2010, 06:53 AM   #3
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

I had a long distance relationship for a while. Thing is when I look back it was a very unsatisfying and difficult time that set me back quite a bit. Having a GF that you can actually see every day still means you get out and socialize with other people. Her friends, your friends, you're still active in your social circle and occasionally growing it.
When I was in this LD thing we had a 4 hour time difference so I'd rush home from work to hop online and we'd chat on messenger. On weekends I'd pick up a phone card so we could talk. I spent so much free time on the phone or computer that after a few months I realized I was sacrificing more of my social life than I ever did with a local girl and in the end I was still going to bed alone. I didn't even want to go out for dinner and a movie because I would either go alone out of loyalty to her, or as a third wheel with one of my buddies and his girlfriend.

Ultimately it ended badly, and in hindsight I personally don't consider a LD relationship to be a relationship (not judging anyone's situations, just saying for me personally) because I'm not actually happy when I'm in one, I'm just clinging to the memory of how the person made me feel when she WAS there (past tense) and the hope that MAYBE we might get together again sometime down the line (future tense...and not even a definite one at that)
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Old November 11th, 2010, 10:51 AM   #4
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

Well its really up to how both of you feel. Every relationship is different. IMO your missing out on the relating part of a relationship. Sure talking online or on the phone is relating but a healthy relationship requires more interaction then that. It requires all 5 senses. This is why intimate LDR dont usually work out. Right now you really just have a friendship that your calling a relationship

I would say unless both of you have a clear cut plan on how you will move this friendship into a relationship in the near future then its time to let go. This doesn't mean you stop loving. Love has nothing to do with relationships although its what launches most of them. Commitment is what creates a relationship. You have to ask yourself a few questions.

Have you both made a commitment ? What have you committed to ? Is that commitment going to satisfy both of you ? Does this commitment move you both forward or hold you back.

It should move you forward and if its not then let her go. JMO

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Old November 11th, 2010, 04:16 PM   #5
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfishgrin View Post
If you fell in love with someone, and they seemed to return your feelings the past few months but you couldn't be with that person because of distance and other reasons yet hoped that maybe something could happen in a few years, what would you do? Would distancing yourself and moving on be preferable to the wait?

I would face the pain and move-on, because I've been there.

I spent the 1990s in an on/off relationship with a very attractive, passionate and ambitious career woman. Whilst initially the times we were together were fantastic, I had to step back and take a back seat whilst she regularly took long periods (up to two years) out so she could advance her qualifications, work for experience/specific projects etc and the times apart were hell. I barely heard from her and frankly I might as well have been dead - each time she reappeared and we got back together became less satisfying than before and in the end, I realised it had become merely convenience until she went-off to do something else again.

So she came back again but I ended it and that went very badly, she stalked me, hurled varying types of abuse at myself, friends and family and it took legal intervention to get her to back-off. When she did though, she found someone and was married and settled within eighteen months. I often wondered if I made a very big mistake there.

Then nine years later I met her again and I barely recognised the woman - yes, I did right!
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Old November 11th, 2010, 09:40 PM   #6
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

Hmm.... well first how far away is she?

Let me tell you my story and you can make your own judgement. I started dating a girl that was 3 hours away from me. Then I moved closer to her and we were 2 hours apart for almost a year. I saw her on weekends and it was fun. Then she wanted to move for a better opportunity. So she moved 4 hours away. We saw each other every other weekend for a year. For a year. Sometime in that year she said that she couldn't take the distance. See women just need to know that there is a direction. You don't even need to know how to get there. So I had to decide if I was serious. I told her that we would move to the same town in around 6 months. In my opinion it was better for us to both start out fresh and lean on each other. I created a list of areas that I would be willing to live in. She marked the ones that she agreed with. We began our job hunt. And she accepted a job near her sister before I had even done an interview. I wasn't happy. She moved to that city. We were now 45 mins apart. I had given my word so I found a job in that town and moved about 10 miles away from her. We got married a year later.

You are the man in the realtionship. You have to make the decision on if and how it will work out.
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Old November 11th, 2010, 11:47 PM   #7
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

That was a long time to be apart there JosieW... Two and a half years?

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Originally Posted by JosieW View Post
We got married a year later.
Finally, some encouraging words. Believe me, this girl is a keeper. I've already met most of her family, and she informed me a while back they all love me. This is a far cry from what my ex-wife's family was like and thought about me, that's for sure! But there's other things to consider besides the distance. I won't go into those here.

She's promised that she'll be moving down this way in a few years. She loves this town, and has a lot of friends here. My main concern is the irregular visits and the pain being seperated from her causes me... Is it just something I need to endure? It sounds like you've done exactly that, and it payed off in the end and you're happy. Glad to hear it!

Women need to know there's a direction? One that both of you are moving down? They need to know you are willing to wait for and devote yourself to them? That you'd make sacrifices to be with them in the end? Being four hours away, it's not exactly easy to up and visit her... I wish that my situation turns out the way I hope it does. Thanks, everyone, and keep the input coming because it's definitely good to hear and does help in my decision...
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Old November 12th, 2010, 06:04 AM   #8
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

Yea it was 2 years. I asked her parents for her hand in marriage after knowing her for 2 years. They gave me some good advice about dating in the same town first. So I began my plan.

It's something that you have to decide for yourself. You have to decide what you want and then go do it. Women weren't meant to lead the relationship. If you don't make a decision then you leave it up to her. That won't work.
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Old November 12th, 2010, 07:00 AM   #9
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

LDR's are rough and I understand your struggle Tisha is right, it truly is up to you. My gf goes away (about 2hrs give or take) but we are strong! We have been together for 4 years but a TON of problems in between. Now my cousin met a girl while he was in canada doing a missions trip (she found him on fb, long time family friend who they never kept in contact with) she lives in GA and we are outside of Philly (he goes to school in Pittsburgh though). He is ring shopping, they have only been together for a year and a half and actually spent no more than 100hrs in person, but they talk everyday, pray everyday...crazy I know, but I know they have a love that I have never seen before...So it is up to you, if you want it to work, be a Caesar and seize it! Rule it and make it work. But if the love isn't there then just tie your noose, take it to the guillotine and wait until an other one takes your interest. But I am one for love (and I think you still love her) so take it!
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Old November 12th, 2010, 11:29 AM   #10
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Default Re: Another Request for Advice

From my experience...waiting does not work. I had a really strong mutual "Bond" but the bond died like a couple years after, and it was not the same.
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